Inspire Yourself began

  This page is only accessible by those who really want to know.

I don’t want to burden people I know with what is going through my mind. 

27 years ago, I gave up my promising and growing career so I wouldn't lose my wife and 3 kids. When I was young on a family farm, I was molded by my father to become what he wanted me to be. I would have been most happy as a middle school science teacher.

After a few years in college and a super growth-oriented career in Kentucky, my wife and I were making over $55,000 a year together in 1997 at 32 years old in a growing genetics company. She wasn’t happy making easy customer service money, taking care of 3 kids while I traveled for work 30% of the time, and not making her dreams of training ponies come true. When I was offered a $60,000/yr position in Raleigh, NC with Smithfield foods as the national training advisor, she threatened to take the 3 kids and move back to our hometown so she could pursue her dreams. I tried to reason with her, but she was determined to get what she wanted. I gave up and gave in, which I will regret for the rest of my life. I tried to make it work with a livestock nutrition company. But within a year, they wanted me to move to the corporate office in Iowa. When I turned down the promotion, they eliminated my district and destroyed my ability to find new careers in similar fields without getting more education. My wife was neglecting the kids and the house to pursue her dreams and travel to pony shows around the country, so I settled to do more manual labor for good enough pay. I was worn out all the time but around when my kids needed a parent. As she grew her pony training business and travelled more, the farm was getting worn out fast. She would come home and blame anyone but herself for the failing structures and grounds.

One day in 2016, I was lying face down in bed after work, stretching out my sore muscles and trying to rest, when suddenly there was someone on my back hitting the back of my head. I reached behind me with my right arm and said ‘Stop’. From what I was told, my wife’s front four teeth got knocked out by the base of the palm of my right hand. By the time I got out of bed and to the front door of the house, her truck was already halfway down the driveway. There was no blood on the bed or the floor of the bedroom or anywhere else in the house. When I got to her parents’ house, they were astounded that I would have beat their daughter. 

The stories got around very quickly that I was a wife beater. My kids would not talk to me. I was suddenly alone. Everyone I turned to either already heard the story and believed her or told me everything would be fine because no one would believe that about me. Within a few days, my wife had filed for divorce and had a new love of her life (a woman who all I heard about was that she had more money than she could ever spend). 

My kids were already living their own lives. I had no close friends. My immediate family was not much help mentally. I had no complete answers. I never spoke to my ex-wife again, nor have I ever met the woman she is with now. My children put stipulations that we never discuss mom. So, to not be a burden to my kids, I just don’t communicate with them at all. I had sent them presents for a few years, but never received a thank you. 

I couldn’t tell you what brings me ‘joy’ because I don’t think I could define it anymore. There really are no activities that bring contentment or cause me to want more, just tasks to be completed.

My tethers to this earth are wearing very thin.

What do you want? What do you wish could change about this situation?

find peace with who I really am and have adult time with my children

What do you have the power and ability to change?

nothing, if I can't hope, how can I inspire hope in others

Who can you ask for help, and what do you want them to do?

god, take me home

What about this situation are you not able to change?

the past and all of the hate that was dropped on me

What do you need to say or do so you can let go of what you can’t change?

disintegrate and let my soul find a better match

022025

I have never committed to owning a single blade of grass. My life is not my own anymore. So I never have to worry about missing anything or anyone ever again, I have found a way in my mind to disconnect from emotion. In doing so, I don't have to make decisions regarding living healthy, cleaning house thoroughly, feeling loss, or caring if I live at all. 

When I decide to walk away from earth, it will be clear of any commitment. Most people won't miss me and those who do won't feel grief for very long. 

My undoing will be giving up on my own health. Those who never gave me the chance to connect my life to a job or land will be considered wise because if I lost those things, it would kill me.  Those who never reciprocated the commitment I had for them will never know and therefore never miss committing to me. 

My excessive commitment to those in my path will be considered commendable and I will be loved for being so generous. 

The good feeling I get when someone calls me for the answer is wonderful because I either have the answer or a clear path towards finding it. That being said, I also feel good when a motion sensor finds me in the dark. It let's me know that even when I'm all alone, I can still be found. 

Taking away what kept me tethered to caring about my life gives me the perfect alibi for walking away. 

For the past year, my rest has been interrupted an hour before I'm supposed to wake up with dreams of all my failures, children included, or missed opportunities. 

what will i do when my mental cage door falls open? Most of my nearly 60 years have been spent doing what others wanted me to do. There were 7 years where I went from possibly great to almost set for life. Most of my tyrants were under control or out of the direct picture. The life I was living was headed toward spectacular and my wife and 3 babies just had to stay in their comfortable positions. My career encounters created a place where my mind/intuition was enlightened to a point where all possibilities were available. When my success began to look unstoppable, my wife destroyed everything. I tried to keep hope going, but the tyrant from childhood came back into the picture and downhill became my newly reclaimed way of life. I tried to keep my inspired mind alive but the shattered pieces are too scrambled to come across as coherent. I am now divorced and my 3 babies don't care if I'm alive or not. I take care of my sweet dementia filled mother and my tyrant father everyday and work 40 hours at a job. I know it sounds whiny but alone with a mind full of great ideas becomes very overwhelming and makes me think that disintegrating as soon as my cage door falls open is the best option.