Opening One Box at a Time

  Happy Birthday 

This paper started as a short message to express that I don’t want you to change for me, but I don’t want to be a burden either, as your life seems to be going in a good direction. Since most of your post-child years were busy becoming you, we got very few chances to spend quality time together getting to know each other.   

As you wad this up to throw it away, just know that from the beginning I have and will always believe in you!

Love, Dad

In my lifetime so far, only 4 people have shown me unconditional love. Three of them are dead, and one is in the nursing home.  My grandparents and my mother saw me as I was trying to find myself. As my mind developed from a young age, I was only shown love through private interactions with my grandparents and mother. Self-love was never taught or promoted by my father or friends. I faced judgment at home, as well as school, and developed tolerance and resilience rather than love. As a result, my ability to find myself and adhere to my beliefs has always depended on what others were thinking, even if it was in my mind and not real. 

Over the last decade, my ability to communicate with my children has all but disappeared due to the thoughts in my own mind. I feel judged for something that never happened.  I begin to sweat, think everyone is judging me, and do not feel capable of saying the right things to my children. I have found myself second-guessing my ability to speak to people in regard to any subject as the hole in my mind stays unfilled.  As a person who has relied heavily upon research, facts, observation, and integrity, my ability to love is emotionless and empty due to my mind folding in on itself after a single incident.

My mind's latest development concerning the incident is that my children knew that it was going to happen and were okay with it. The dreams that wake me in the middle of the night show me that my children helped their mom plan the incident. This mental state is called victim mentality. 

In the case that you have read this so far, set your alarm for 4 hours after you go to bed and for every 10 minutes after that until you just get up. Try it for a couple of days and see how you feel. Translate that feeling into 4 years, and then you can judge my words. 

My introverted, overthinking mind and lack of good sleep for the last decade have caused many new conditions to develop. My fight or flight response (fight with knowledge and flight from conflict, even if perceived and not real) has ruined the last four years of my mind's ability to be agile and connected. 

My evaluation: It comes from the mental strain of researching and helping mom accept and adapt to dementia, as it turned her brain into an uncontrollable jumbled mass of ‘pieces’. There is no train of thought. I am not blaming Mom. I made the decision to help her as it happened. My love for her, the fact that I look like my dad, and my science and observation background provided the strength to find solutions. My ability to disassociate (even through tears) gave me a perspective that most would run from.

Now I want my mind back. Even getting a full sentence together requires everything to be completely quiet and (stopped to figure out what to end the sentence with – nearly every sentence written) distraction-free. I am glad for the time we (Amber and my children) had together before everything fell apart. I hoped more than I loved with your mom. I never knew when the next judgment would hit me. When my career was successful, I had to block out judgment and continue forward, which made your mom feel unwanted and unappreciated. I may not be able to teach people love, but I can and do every day teach them how to be resilient and be mentally tough through the turmoil. 

After getting to know many 988 associates by name over the years, I realize that I am not mad at myself or anyone else. I am mad at the situation. 

What is the situation? The situation is mental dis-identification, or wait for dementia to eat my brain. In my case, I have always felt that I could see things that others ignored, broke, or didn’t see (this stems from childhood teachings from my grandfather, as he taught me animals, nature, feelings, facial and muscle expressions, weather, air pressure, anticipation of what is possible, and this list is endless). As a result, I became more observant than reactive. In other words, my mind, heart, and body are not always on the same page, creating the disassociation with the current scenario. The racing thoughts of what is possible (never a straight line) create more negative possibilities than positive. The need to stop blaming myself and start retraining my mind is imperative. Training my mind will still leave the ‘hole’ mentioned before. The complete unknown incident that turned my life from acceptable to worthless within less than a minute will always be what ended my life as it was. There is only one person telling the truth who can fix it.

Now, it is up to me to either find an ‘operation’ that can block a very small part of my brain’s memory. Just block that one minute of memory, and I won’t have to think about it again.  Or, find a way to never reflect on that memory again. My mind blocked communication with my children for fear that the only thing I would be thinking about was that unknown. I have even researched moving very far away and building a completely new life. The only problem is that ‘I do care’. I want to know them. I want them in my life, and I want to be in theirs. I am just not a fighter. I would be the guy hiding in the corner or leaving when the fight broke out. 

I see pictures of the entire family every day that I visit with mom. The difference is that now, when I go home alone. My tears fall because I can’t find my own strength to get up and face my fears. 

We will see each other again, someday.

What Is Unconditional Love and Is It Always a Good Thing?

How to find unconditional love

There’s no better feeling than loving someone or being loved. However, is it possible to love freely and without condition?

Unconditional Love, the selfless act of loving someone with full acceptance and without expecting anything in return. You might equate this type of love with the love you have for your parents or your children. You may associate it with the couples you see in a romantic movie or hear about it in a love song on the radio.

Wanting unconditional love is an understandable desire that you may seek. However, is this something attainable in real life or is it just in the fairytales?

Gaining a deeper understanding of what unconditional love is (and isn’t) may help you find a healthy connection in your own life.

What is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is when you love someone no matter what they do and have no expectation of repayment. It means you love someone for who they are, with no strings attached.

This simple act of loving someone unconditionally without any concern of how it may benefit you may activate the same parts of the brain that lights up when you show romantic and maternal love according to 2009 research.

In other words, unconditional love can benefit you even though you’re not expecting anything in return when giving love to others.

Signs of unconditional love

There are some clear signs that may help you recognize whether it’s un unconditional love or not. David Tzall, a licensed psychologist residing in New York City says to look out for these telltale signs.

You’re accepted for your faults without a desire to change you.

Your needs are paramount and viewed as valid.

The other person does not try to make you feel small.

The relationship is reciprocal and not transactional.

What are the pros and cons of unconditional love

Unconditional love can be good for you. Research from 2021 has found that both giving and receiving love can play a crucial role in your psychological well-being, especially later in life.

Research from 2010 suggests receiving unconditional love can also have an impact on your emotional well-being. Findings indicate that children who receive high levels of nurture and love from their parents at a young age tend to have less distress in adulthood as well as fewer mental health symptoms.

Unconditional love can also provide a sense of security. “You are free to be yourself and express your needs without fear of judgment,” explains Tzall. You know someone is on your side and looking out for your best interests. You’re also secure that they won’t leave during rough times.

“Unconditional love promotes trust, and trust and security go hand in hand.”

Healthy unconditional love can exist, says Tzall. It may be seen in the form of support while still having boundaries, such as “I love you and support you no matter what. However, I cannot continue to help you if you don’t get help for your addiction.”

Unconditional love can also be unhealthy if it exists without boundaries. Feelings of love can sometimes cause us to be blind to what’s really going on. If you are showing someone unconditional love, but there is no mutual care and respect in that relationship, this is unhealthy unconditional love, explains Tzall.

Loving unconditionally requires reciprocity. While it may feel great to offer love to someone without expectations, it can also lead to feelings of depletion. It’s important not to neglect your own needs, while love may require some sacrifice, you shouldn’t give up everything for others.

You should also ensure that your person deserves your love. If someone treats you unkindly or is abusive, continuing to give unconditional love to that person can be damaging.

It’s important to have some level of expectation for others, even if that expectation is as simple as being treated kindly. This can protect you and ensure you are giving your love to the right people.

How do you find unconditional love?

If you’ve never received unconditional love, then it may be hard to give it. However, some strategies can help you learn to love wholeheartedly.

Give yourself love first

Finding unconditional love starts with caring about yourself first and practicing self-acceptance, says Tzall. “It can be challenging to accept a deep love of another if you do not give yourself enough grace.”

Additionally, if you don’t love yourself first, you may be more likely to accept toxic love into your life because you don’t recognize what you truly deserve. When you know who you are and what your needs are, and develop a sense of self-worth, healthy unconditional love is more likely to find you.

Once you understand this, you’ll be better able to discern between healthy and unhealthy love and accept unconditional love when it arrives rather than searching for it.

Practice unconditional love

Practice how to love without wanting anything in return. Each day, do something for someone else with no strings attached. It can be telling someone you love them without waiting for them to respond or letting someone in while in a traffic jam without expecting a wave of thank you.

This simple act will not only give you pleasure but help you learn how to give unconditional love.

Learn how you express your love

Loving unconditionally is not just how you feel, but how you act. Pay attention to how you express your love to others. If you feel like the other person owes you something, then you are not loving them unconditionally.

Let’s Recap

Unconditional love is a type of love that exists without bounds. However, to love freely and without condition, you must also love without the expectation of repayment.

When you think of unconditional love, you may think of the love a parent has for a child or the romantic love that you see in a movie. This type of love accepts you and doesn’t try and change you. It doesn’t make you feel small and is reciprocated.

Unconditional love can be healthy and good for you as long as it has boundaries. It can be good for your psychological and emotional well-being. It can also be unhealthy when it exists without boundaries.

Finding unconditional love starts with giving yourself love first. Practicing loving without expectation, along with paying attention to how you express love to others may help you find unconditional love in your life.

If you’ve never received or given unconditional love before and want to dig deeper into exploring love and relationships, then you may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional.

Mental disidentification is a psychological technique used to break the automatic attachment to emotions, thoughts, social roles, or limiting self-images, allowing a person to act as an objective observer of their own mental processes rather than being defined by them. It promotes emotional resilience and freedom by helping individuals recognize "I am experiencing X" rather than "I am X". 

Usage Examples and Techniques

Cognitive Defusion: Rather than believing "I am unlovable," a person uses disidentification to think, "I am having the thought that I am unlovable," reducing the thought's power. 

Mindfulness/Meditation: Observing passing emotions or thoughts without judgment, treating them as passing clouds rather than identifying with them. 

Managing Performance Anxiety: An artist might detach from the need to be "perfect" and instead observe the urge to be perfect, reducing creative blocks. 

Disidentifying from Roles: Recognizing that while you are a parent or employee, you are not only that role, letting go of limiting personality aspects. 

Synonyms and Related Terms

Cognitive Defusion: Frequently used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to unhook from thoughts.

Objective Observation/Observing Self: Stepping back to witness mental content without reacting.

Disassociation (Conscious): While often involuntary, conscious disassociation is a type of detachment from thoughts or feelings.

Self-Distancing: Viewing situations from a third-person perspective. 

Key Aspects

The Observer vs. The Observed: Helps individuals realize they are the "observer" of thoughts, not the thoughts themselves.

Not Detachment: It is not about suppressing feelings, but rather creating space between awareness and thoughts.

Cultural Context: In some contexts, this describes breaking away from imposed or stereotypical social identities. 

If you could push yourself through this entire message, thanks. I hope you were able to piece the thoughts together. 

Love, Jon

  Please let Eric read this message first so he can decide whether you can decide if your heart can take it.

I have compartmentalized this letter, so you can read some and recover. I haven't mentioned any negative thoughts with absolute concern for your conditions.

I congratulate you for finding the person and things you love in your life.

Believe me when I write that I have put my needs, desires, and happiness on the back burner to benefit those who I love, including my children more than myself.

I have always hoped my children would see the good around them rather than the man who reacted to the current situation.

I watch the bird feeders every day. Woodpeckers, blue jays, chickadees, cardinals, and so many more react together to get what they need to survive and thrive.

As a relationship statement:

The greatest achievement my life has made was to bring into this world 3 amazing creatures and hopefully gave them limitless dreams and aspirations.

Each very different in their own commitment to life, but the same in their ability to view more than what is right in front of them.

Those pains you feel in your heart and soul, I feel every day. I find it easiest to know that 'it takes all kinds'. The challenge is to find a way to accept them for the uniqueness they bring to the world. All animals fit the same mold as humans.

'Dedication to greatness for the world in which they live' is the bottom line to all the most wonderful memories I have had with everyone that my life has given me the chance to meet.

My granddad Montgomery taught me to drive a very old tractor when I was 8 years old. He also taught me true love for nature and all the animals in my life. I learned how to read animal behaviors through their eyes and actions, the subtle hints of emotion, and determine the best solutions for each from him.

The truest relationship I had to measure love by would be my Grandmother Edna and Grandad George Montgomery. They kept a great house, great friends, and and communication that was simple but real.

My grandmother Montgomery praised me for singing hymns in full voice at church and she was instrumental in my understanding of the bible, but she read the King James version (which I still have). My first bible was small and simple, but my mind was already geared toward reason, emotion, and facts so much so that it was hard for me to understand seeing something that wasn't measurable or visible. Once I understood what the bible tells us, I could see past the measurements and reason I was brought up to understand at home. That's also when I began to see more than what was in front of me. As a result, I read the entire King James bible. And I sang and performed for audiences who I hoped would see that it was okay to be themselves.

My grandmother Pherson taught me that no matter how challenging life may be, there is always a bright side, and that hard work is just one step towards a great reward. She persevered with a lot of children wanting more her entire life. I mowed her yard every week for a quarter, helped with her garden, and picked cherries and raspberries to help relieve the burden she faced as she got too old to do everything on her own.

My mother taught me that true commitment to life and its simple beauty with respect for everyone near me would bring its own reward. Every day I spent with her as she reaches the end of her life has given me humility and limitless respect for the little girl, she was hoping life would bring to her. I knew she was listening when I sang in my room. I know it brought her joy back then because when I sing to her now, she starts getting excited and says, ‘there he is, it’s a good day to sing.”

The youngest of 7 children, a abandoned mom whose job was ironing and laundry by hand for town folks and kept a complete garden growing every year and canned most of their food in a tiny house next to Dortees, grandma was found by the short strong guy in high school.

My dad taught me perseverance, selflessness, and dedication is its own reward. Believe me, those were and still are the hardest lessons any of us can ever learn. He and Grandad also taught me that me that the job isn't done until it is completed, no matter who was calling out. If you remember me doing countless hours of work with him, even though it caused a great deal of pain for me, I was letting the three of you do what you wanted to do. Your lives were always more important than mine.

Syd, my negativity was solely based on my own inability to stand up for myself. I have fought it every day since 1997 when I gave up all my accomplishments for the love of my wife, children, and family. I was happiest when no matter how much negativity was thrown my way, I found the path that created a better solution for every person involved, whether they were family or not.

I will always be honest and forthright with those who can see the truth. The Acacia fraternity paddle still hangs in my closet at home. I had to go get it to be paddled when I told a lie to my dad or stood up against his demands.

My goal was and always will be to express the truth and inspire greatness and hope.

I gave what I could for my entire family. As my life crumbled, strength of body and mind took every ounce of energy, and sadly, my focus was lost to make it through each day.

Grant learned early that there was more than education required to find true happiness. He won't remember since he was so young when we discussed that facts are just stepping stones to internal realization. My gift and curse he lives with every day.

You, my dear sweet Sydney, may not remember gaining the trust of animals through patience and perseverance. I obviously tried the same method of education that I tried with Grant but realized quickly that you were not like him. We sat with kittens, dogs, calves, sows, and piglets for hours to get them to believe we meant no harm. I still do the same thing many days with kittens and calves. I learned very young about that ability from my granddad. Dad could never understand how I could get cows, bulls, and calves to come to me rather than rope them and hold on. One year, my calf got loose at the county fair, while dad was preparing the rodeo, I got the humans to calm down, spoke to my calf, walked up to her and led her back to the barn through the midway past the rodeo, straight to the cattle barn. 

Sydney, please know that no matter what you think of the person I am today, you have been given my most treasured gift...Self inspiration with no requirement for recognition.

Bryce had it easiest. He got to see most of what having a farm with animals brings. He liked sports, and I got the opportunity to coach/train young minds for the first time in a team scenario. I miss coaching and training. Coaching in a way that inspires what isn't visible or promoted to be incorporated into the basis of integrity. Since most of the family liked sports, he became popular without having to be great at school or animals.

Knowing that accomplishment sometimes comes from complete focus, compassion, and selflessness can make others jealous that you make it look so easy.

What you didn't ask about me:

Who were you before we moved back to Indiana?

I covered 14 states from Illinois to Pennsylvania, training pork production to everyone from the basic worker to the owner. I was envied for my ability to adjust my training to the person. It took me 6 months to become accepted by every district salesman. I rewrote the cash flow analysis and customer ration formulation programs to incorporate details about each individual farm and the local area. I also rewrote the performance analysis program. I was promoted, and we moved to the corporate office in Franklin KY.

When we got into the corporate office, I was immediately exposed to extremely large companies like Smithfield. I started working on ways to use the changes I had already made into national programs to incorporate training to a level previously believed to be unattainable. As my changes were being implemented, Smithfield let PIC corporate know that they wanted me to be their international training developer. In 1997, I would have been making $50,000 as the training developer in North Carolina with the goal of being international.

Why didn't you make us move to North Carolina in 1997?

In retrospect, we all would have been set for life, and we would have got to see the world. But on the other hand, the grandparents got to be a very powerful part of their grandkids' lives.

The difference: Love for All Family Members.

I would be retired but at the cost of spending the valuable times described before with the development of my kids.

So, no matter how my life turned out, you three were my Gold, Silver, and Bronze accomplishments. I can be alone if I know I gave my gifts of true life to the most important people I have ever known.

What is your biggest regret?

By not moving to North Carolina and taking a National position with Smithfield foods, I put my life back into the path of having my life ran by my father. My dad never believed in PIC. He always took every chance to tell me how pigs could not be raised indoors and PIC was a joke.

Family wise: I have accepted my fate. But I regret more than anything that this amazing homestead didn't bring more happiness to my children as they grew up: parties, friend sleepovers, and general expressionism of the adults they would become.

I have always been easily susceptible to judgment. I’m not a fighter. I am a teacher/discoverer/architect at heart, so around people who know the answer (or their opinion) without any facts caused me to clam up or walk away. But only around dominant personalities like Dad, I would hide when his judgments came my way. I was that way from youth.  When I was 15 (after being told I would be the next veterinarian in the family), I told dad I felt like I would really like to become a teacher of either Science of Math. He responded with a forceful NO you won’t. Teachers don’t make any money.  If you decide to become a teacher, you will have to pay for college all by yourself.  I could talk to Grandad or both Grandmas because they were the same as me, in that they would make decisions only after evaluation and discovering facts.

Personally, I regret that I never found the person who gave me permission to be myself. If my world had been completely open to choosing for myself, I might have chosen to be a middle school science teacher who ran the school theater.

What would you change if you could.

If honest communication would have been the basis of Amber and I’s relationship, the result would have been different, maybe.  

I would have dearly loved to develop the ability to stand up for what I believe in and make the bullies in my life back away. I have so many powerful messages firing through my mind that I fear I won't get the chance to develop. I fear I will take most of them with me when I am gone.

When I was young(around 5 years old), our station wagon hit the back of a stopped semi-trailer. I flew from the back seat to the dashboard and my head split open at the top of my nose. Blood was everywhere. I often wondered why I was spared that day. I was only unconscious for a minute or so. Mom was so scared. We formed a very close bond that I see in her eyes sometimes. I have had many reoccurring dreams over the years about that incident.

The (in my mind?) magical abilities I developed as I was perfectly exposed to the world would have been wonderous to share with more but the burden of seeing may have been judged too great.  I stay cordoned away, so my memory fades before my body.

To end on a positive note:

Thank you to the partners of my children for helping them find their best life.
Stay true to each other – Communicate openly – Know that it takes the same amount of energy to find a solution as it does to whine about the problem.

Love You All, Dad

I didn’t want to open all the boxes in my mind at once.

I tell everyone I work with now. If a product is in the backroom in a box and not on the shelf where the customer can find it, that product will never sell.
So this is a start. One box out of the backroom of my overstuffed mind at a time.

Be Safe
Breathe, Believe, and Be Brave!