Opening One Box at a Time

  Please let Eric read this message first so he can decide whether you can decide if your heart can take it.

I have compartmentalized this letter, so you can read some and recover. I haven't mentioned any negative thoughts with absolute concern for your conditions.

I congratulate you for finding the person and things you love in your life.

Believe me when I write that I have put my needs, desires, and happiness on the back burner to benefit those who I love, including my children more than myself.

I have always hoped my children would see the good around them rather than the man who reacted to the current situation.

I watch the bird feeders every day. Woodpeckers, blue jays, chickadees, cardinals, and so many more react together to get what they need to survive and thrive.

As a relationship statement:

The greatest achievement my life has made was to bring into this world 3 amazing creatures and hopefully gave them limitless dreams and aspirations.

Each very different in their own commitment to life, but the same in their ability to view more than what is right in front of them.

Those pains you feel in your heart and soul, I feel every day. I find it easiest to know that 'it takes all kinds'. The challenge is to find a way to accept them for the uniqueness they bring to the world. All animals fit the same mold as humans.

'Dedication to greatness for the world in which they live' is the bottom line to all the most wonderful memories I have had with everyone that my life has given me the chance to meet.

My granddad Montgomery taught me to drive a very old tractor when I was 8 years old. He also taught me true love for nature and all the animals in my life. I learned how to read animal behaviors through their eyes and actions, the subtle hints of emotion, and determine the best solutions for each from him.

The truest relationship I had to measure love by would be my Grandmother Edna and Grandad George Montgomery. They kept a great house, great friends, and and communication that was simple but real.

My grandmother Montgomery praised me for singing hymns in full voice at church and she was instrumental in my understanding of the bible, but she read the King James version (which I still have). My first bible was small and simple, but my mind was already geared toward reason, emotion, and facts so much so that it was hard for me to understand seeing something that wasn't measurable or visible. Once I understood what the bible tells us, I could see past the measurements and reason I was brought up to understand at home. That's also when I began to see more than what was in front of me. As a result, I read the entire King James bible. And I sang and performed for audiences who I hoped would see that it was okay to be themselves.

My grandmother Pherson taught me that no matter how challenging life may be, there is always a bright side, and that hard work is just one step towards a great reward. She persevered with a lot of children wanting more her entire life. I mowed her yard every week for a quarter, helped with her garden, and picked cherries and raspberries to help relieve the burden she faced as she got too old to do everything on her own.

My mother taught me that true commitment to life and its simple beauty with respect for everyone near me would bring its own reward. Every day I spent with her as she reaches the end of her life has given me humility and limitless respect for the little girl, she was hoping life would bring to her. I knew she was listening when I sang in my room. I know it brought her joy back then because when I sing to her now, she starts getting excited and says, ‘there he is, it’s a good day to sing.”

The youngest of 7 children, a abandoned mom whose job was ironing and laundry by hand for town folks and kept a complete garden growing every year and canned most of their food in a tiny house next to Dortees, grandma was found by the short strong guy in high school.

My dad taught me perseverance, selflessness, and dedication is its own reward. Believe me, those were and still are the hardest lessons any of us can ever learn. He and Grandad also taught me that me that the job isn't done until it is completed, no matter who was calling out. If you remember me doing countless hours of work with him, even though it caused a great deal of pain for me, I was letting the three of you do what you wanted to do. Your lives were always more important than mine.

Syd, my negativity was solely based on my own inability to stand up for myself. I have fought it every day since 1997 when I gave up all my accomplishments for the love of my wife, children, and family. I was happiest when no matter how much negativity was thrown my way, I found the path that created a better solution for every person involved, whether they were family or not.

I will always be honest and forthright with those who can see the truth. The Acacia fraternity paddle still hangs in my closet at home. I had to go get it to be paddled when I told a lie to my dad or stood up against his demands.

My goal was and always will be to express the truth and inspire greatness and hope.

I gave what I could for my entire family. As my life crumbled, strength of body and mind took every ounce of energy, and sadly, my focus was lost to make it through each day.

Grant learned early that there was more than education required to find true happiness. He won't remember since he was so young when we discussed that facts are just stepping stones to internal realization. My gift and curse he lives with every day.

You, my dear sweet Sydney, may not remember gaining the trust of animals through patience and perseverance. I obviously tried the same method of education that I tried with Grant but realized quickly that you were not like him. We sat with kittens, dogs, calves, sows, and piglets for hours to get them to believe we meant no harm. I still do the same thing many days with kittens and calves. I learned very young about that ability from my granddad. Dad could never understand how I could get cows, bulls, and calves to come to me rather than rope them and hold on. One year, my calf got loose at the county fair, while dad was preparing the rodeo, I got the humans to calm down, spoke to my calf, walked up to her and led her back to the barn through the midway past the rodeo, straight to the cattle barn. 

Sydney, please know that no matter what you think of the person I am today, you have been given my most treasured gift...Self inspiration with no requirement for recognition.

Bryce had it easiest. He got to see most of what having a farm with animals brings. He liked sports, and I got the opportunity to coach/train young minds for the first time in a team scenario. I miss coaching and training. Coaching in a way that inspires what isn't visible or promoted to be incorporated into the basis of integrity. Since most of the family liked sports, he became popular without having to be great at school or animals.

Knowing that accomplishment sometimes comes from complete focus, compassion, and selflessness can make others jealous that you make it look so easy.

What you didn't ask about me:

Who were you before we moved back to Indiana?

I covered 14 states from Illinois to Pennsylvania, training pork production to everyone from the basic worker to the owner. I was envied for my ability to adjust my training to the person. It took me 6 months to become accepted by every district salesman. I rewrote the cash flow analysis and customer ration formulation programs to incorporate details about each individual farm and the local area. I also rewrote the performance analysis program. I was promoted, and we moved to the corporate office in Franklin KY.

When we got into the corporate office, I was immediately exposed to extremely large companies like Smithfield. I started working on ways to use the changes I had already made into national programs to incorporate training to a level previously believed to be unattainable. As my changes were being implemented, Smithfield let PIC corporate know that they wanted me to be their international training developer. In 1997, I would have been making $50,000 as the training developer in North Carolina with the goal of being international.

Why didn't you make us move to North Carolina in 1997?

In retrospect, we all would have been set for life, and we would have got to see the world. But on the other hand, the grandparents got to be a very powerful part of their grandkids' lives.

The difference: Love for All Family Members.

I would be retired but at the cost of spending the valuable times described before with the development of my kids.

So, no matter how my life turned out, you three were my Gold, Silver, and Bronze accomplishments. I can be alone if I know I gave my gifts of true life to the most important people I have ever known.

What is your biggest regret?

By not moving to North Carolina and taking a National position with Smithfield foods, I put my life back into the path of having my life ran by my father. My dad never believed in PIC. He always took every chance to tell me how pigs could not be raised indoors and PIC was a joke.

Family wise: I have accepted my fate. But I regret more than anything that this amazing homestead didn't bring more happiness to my children as they grew up: parties, friend sleepovers, and general expressionism of the adults they would become.

I have always been easily susceptible to judgment. I’m not a fighter. I am a teacher/discoverer/architect at heart, so around people who know the answer (or their opinion) without any facts caused me to clam up or walk away. But only around dominant personalities like Dad, I would hide when his judgments came my way. I was that way from youth.  When I was 15 (after being told I would be the next veterinarian in the family), I told dad I felt like I would really like to become a teacher of either Science of Math. He responded with a forceful NO you won’t. Teachers don’t make any money.  If you decide to become a teacher, you will have to pay for college all by yourself.  I could talk to Grandad or both Grandmas because they were the same as me, in that they would make decisions only after evaluation and discovering facts.

Personally, I regret that I never found the person who gave me permission to be myself. If my world had been completely open to choosing for myself, I might have chosen to be a middle school science teacher who ran the school theater.

What would you change if you could.

If honest communication would have been the basis of Amber and I’s relationship, the result would have been different, maybe.  

I would have dearly loved to develop the ability to stand up for what I believe in and make the bullies in my life back away. I have so many powerful messages firing through my mind that I fear I won't get the chance to develop. I fear I will take most of them with me when I am gone.

When I was young(around 5 years old), our station wagon hit the back of a stopped semi-trailer. I flew from the back seat to the dashboard and my head split open at the top of my nose. Blood was everywhere. I often wondered why I was spared that day. I was only unconscious for a minute or so. Mom was so scared. We formed a very close bond that I see in her eyes sometimes. I have had many reoccurring dreams over the years about that incident.

The (in my mind?) magical abilities I developed as I was perfectly exposed to the world would have been wonderous to share with more but the burden of seeing may have been judged too great.  I stay cordoned away, so my memory fades before my body.

To end on a positive note:

Thank you to the partners of my children for helping them find their best life.
Stay true to each other – Communicate openly – Know that it takes the same amount of energy to find a solution as it does to whine about the problem.

Love You All, Dad

I didn’t want to open all the boxes in my mind at once.

I tell everyone I work with now. If a product is in the backroom in a box and not on the shelf where the customer can find it, that product will never sell.
So this is a start. One box out of the backroom of my overstuffed mind at a time.

Be Safe
Breathe, Believe, and Be Brave!